Will your favorite team's first-round pick suck or not? Thankfully, you have me to tell you the answer to that.
1. Cincinnati Bengals: QB Joe Burrow - No brainer. The times of Andy Dalton are behind us, thank god. While the Bengals have far bigger holes on their roster than just the quarterback position, this addresses the biggest. As long as he has a great supporting cast, the addition of Burrow puts Cincinnati in the conversation to win the AFC North.
2. Washington Redskins: EDGE Chase Young - Another no brainer. The Redskins still have a question mark at the quarterback position, but a no-nonsense player like Young will make opponents nervous, which is what the Redskins have been missing for about.... twenty years.
3. Detroit Lions: CB Jeff Okudah - This is definitely a Matt Patricia pick here. After trading away top corner Darius Slay this offseason, they not only needed a replacement, but they needed an upgrade.
4. New York Giants: OT Andrew Thomas - Something the Giants had been missing was help on the offensive line. With a new quarterback like Daniel Jones and a star runner like Saquon Barkley, that was their top priority. They got probably the best offensive lineman in the draft, who has the ability to be a long-time starter.
5. Miami Dolphins: QB Tua Tagovailoa - I cannot believe the Dolphins did this to Josh Rosen AGAIN. But, despite a lot of injury history, being a top-5 pick and the second quarterback off the board, they have the potential to build around Tagovailoa. But they're dead to me.
6. Los Angeles Chargers: QB Justin Herbert - No one actually thought the Chargers were heading into the season with only Tyrod Taylor right? This is a smart pick for them, with the option of him sitting and developing a little bit before throwing him to the wolves aka right into that tough division. Step 1: Build around him.
7. Carolina Panthers: DT Derrick Brown - The Panthers were left with huge holes on defense this past season and they 100% got better in that area with Brown. He's HUGE.
8. Arizona Cardinals: LB Isaiah Simmons - The X-factor for Simmons is his versatility. With the Cardinals almost guaranteed to have a fire offense next season, the upgrade on defense was a no-brainer. Also, can we talk about this?
9. Jacksonville Jaguars: CB CJ Henderson - I said last week that the only way Henderson was going in the top 10 was if the Jags took him, and look what happened. With the absence of Jalen Ramsey and now Calais Campbell, Jacksonville needed a threat on defense desperately. And Henderson can cover.
10. Cleveland Browns: OT Jedrick Wills - The Browns are stacked (on paper) but the one thing they lack is OL. They felt Wills was their best choice, and Baker Mayfield should be smiling somewhere.
11. New York Jets: OT Mekhi Becton - Again, huge need, and they felt he was their best choice. And yes, Sam Darnold should be happy about this one.
12. Las Vegas Raiders: WR Henry Ruggs III - I thought CeeDee Lamb was the best receiver in this draft, but the Raiders chose to go with Ruggs here. He has the speed they're looking for, so I will give them that. But who tf is gonna throw to this kid is still in question.
13. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: OT Tristan Wirfs - This team has been in the news lately with the acquisitions of both Tom Brady and Rob Gronkowski, but those two players have a short shelf-life currently. The best thing to do? Protect them while they can. They're doing that here.
14. San Francisco 49ers: DT Javon Kinlaw - They needed to replace DeForest Buckner, who they traded to the Colts. I thought they were going receiver here, but this spot was also a huge need.
15. Denver Broncos: WR Jerry Jeudy - Of course this fucking team gets a bomb receiver after they get rid of Flacco. But whatever they see in Drew Lock... whatever. Woo hoo
16. Atlanta Falcons: CB AJ Terrell - I think the Falcons would have been smarter going with a pass rusher over a corner, but I guess maybe they're playing to the division, which makes sense. Still not great.
17. Dallas Cowboys: WR CeeDee Lamb - Lamb was one of my favorite players in this draft, and while I was worried about Jerry Jones doing this all by himself, this is a monster pick. They didn't really need a receiver desperately here, but if a player like Lamb is left on the board, you can't not take him. Cowboys are stacked.
18. Miami Dolphins: OT Austin Jackson - Eh. Could have gone elsewhere with this pick, but I don't care about them.
19. Las Vegas Raiders: CB Damon Arnette - This pick has Mayock written all over it. You can never have too many good corners, but I would have gone linebacker here, I think.
20. Jacksonville Jaguars: EDGE K'Lavon Chaisson - The Jaguars are actually having a very good draft. Who would have thought? I like this pick for them a lot.
21. Philadelphia Eagles: WR Jalen Reagor - The Eagles desperately needed a receiver, and they got one with a huge upside. His speed has to translate to the NFL, but I think that's an area that will come with time.
22. Minnesota Vikings: WR Justin Jefferson - This is their replacement for Stefon Diggs, and I thought he was going to be one of the first WRs taken.
23. Los Angeles Chargers: LB Kenneth Murray - The Chargers gave up picks to move up for him, and I don't think it was worth it. But, he has the potential to be a great player, I'm just not sure it's going to happen right away.
24. New Orleans Saints: C Cesar Ruiz - I wanted this guy on the Ravens, as they've been needing a solid center since Matt Birk. This pick made the Saints just that much better which is very scary (for that division).
25. San Francisco 49ers: WR Brandon Aiyuk - This is one of those instances where the player is such a perfect match with the team. Perfect pairing with Deebo Samuel.
26. Green Bay Packers: QB Jordan Love - This is where things got wild. I realize that it's better to take a QB too early than too late. I realize that it's smart to prepare for life after Aaron Rodgers. But this team needed so much more -- receiver, defense, you name it. With so many good players still left on the board, this was a brain fart on the Packers' part.
27. Seattle Seahawks: LB Jordyn Brooks - The Seahawks could have taken offensive line help here, but this isn't a bad pick either.
28. Baltimore Ravens: LB Patrick Queen - How many YAS QUEEN purple shirts are we gonna see next season? The Ravens' biggest need was addressed in the first round, and they're great at picking out defensive stars. There was talk about them moving up, but instead, they let a guy fall to them. Classic Ravens draft.
29. Tennessee Titans: OT Isaiah Wilson - Perfect build-upon-last-season type pick. I had them taking a cornerback, but this works as well.
30. Miami Dolphins: CB Noah Igbinoghene - Please take a second to pray for all of your favorite Dolphins writers. Between this guy and Tua, they're gonna have a hard time on the spelling front this season. This is a strong pick for them, however. The Titans are gonna be mad they passed this one up.
31. Minnesota Vikings: CB Jeff Gladney - Minnesota needed a corner badly, and they get good value with Gladney.
32. Kansas City Chiefs: RB Clyde Edwards-Helaire - The first running back off the board with the last pick. Honestly, the Chiefs don't really need much. This pick makes their already explosive offense even more explosive.