The Ravens think Michael Crabtree is "the Guy" after years of failing to find a living person at the position

The title just says it all I think. After what seems like thousands and thousands of years, the Baltimore Ravens finally think they have found 'THE GUY' at wide receiver. I have to take a break already because I'm laughing too hard. After years and years of prematurely ejaculating all over the wide receiver position, the Ravens thinking Michael Crabtree being the answer to all of their problems at wide receiver is why I drink. Sorry it has to come to this.

“Crabtree is the guy, because he’s got a little different way that he runs the routes (he actually runs them?). He’s really crafty with it, and he knows when to break away from guys and how to get open (wow, big change from like, since I can remember)," Joe Flacco said this week. "He’s really good at doing that, but I would say it’s a little different than your normal guy (he can catch?).” Please help us.

With the exception of Steve Smith (he was a superb wide receiver, and 100% would have been the answer to this question had he not come into the picture so late in his career), the Ravens have not had a semi-competent receiver since the Derrick Mason days. Help. Us.

buzz-worthy:

• Adrian Peterson is posting workout videos out his ass, hoping someone will notice. His box jumps will make even JJ Watt jealous - even though he's impressed me with his Justin Timberlake photos lately. (aka I'm jealous)
• Tyler Eifert is apparently ready to come back soon, until he gets hurt again in Week 2 of training camp, right on schedule."The plan is to go into camp full speed but there’s nothing keeping me back from doing that right now." 
• ​Green Bay Packers QB Aaron Rodgers reportedly ran into Atlanta Falcons GM Thomas Dimitroff in an airport, where Rodgers told him to "get this deal done with Matt Ryan  so I can get on with my life." Maybe I need to start going to airports and telling people to do things so they happen.
• Los Angeles Chargers CB ​Jason Verrett has not yet been cleared to practice in full after being hurt his entire life. Verrett tore his ACL in 2016, and re-injured the same knee in Week One of last season. Not great!
• San Francisco 49ers DE Cassius Marsh says he hated his time with the New England Patriots saying, “They don’t have fun there. There’s nothing fun about it. There’s nothing happy about it. I didn’t enjoy any of my time there, you know what I’m saying? It made me for the first time in my life think about not playing football because I hated it that much.” Tell us how you really feel.
• Le'Veon Bell is rapping again. I didn't listen (I'm sure it's GREAT), but he's now taking his rap lyrics to another level by bringing his contract talks with the Pittsburgh Steelers into it. Listen if you dare. 
• Dez Bryant posted a comment on Instagram that he wanted to play for the 49ers, and then deleted it like a bitch. After denying a contract with the Ravens, Bryant hasn't been able to find a bite for a potential landing spot. What's the point of deleting?
• Former first-round pick and Tampa Bay Bucs QB Josh Freeman has retired from football after playing in the CFL for like 5 minutes. 

Bachelorette serial killer rankings:

#BacheloretteSerialKillerRankings

1. Choir guy
2. Chicken guy
3. 60/40 guy
4. John (might be one of the same guys as above idk)
5. Garrett

— lindsey ok (@lindseyyok) May 29, 2018

What I'm reading today:

• Alex Smith, Redskins stars secure major television ad in 2018 (Redskins Wire) (major ad is kinda pushing it here)
• New Carolina Panthers RB CJ Anderson makes a heavy bet on himself for 2018 (Charlotte Observer)
• 3 ways the Ravens can use Lamar Jackson in 2018 (Ravens Wire)

last word:

Our thoughts are with the residents of Ellicott City and the surrounding area after the devastating flooding yesterday.

— Baltimore Ravens (@Ravens) May 28, 2018